Random Comedy Thoughts

Random Comedy Thoughts

-Do people trying to commit suicide turn to motivational speakers to get them over the hump?  Do books titled, ‘The Power of Intention’ work for them?  Would a Yoda inspired motivational speaker work for them, ‘there is no try, only do.’ 

-In high school the DARE officer would quote us the statistic, ‘92% of people who commit suicide regret it.’  How could you possibly obtain that information?  And 92%, that’s an oddly specific number. 

-How can any person who eats chicken admonish people who don’t eat free range chicken?  They care so passionately about the quality of life of chickens, but are ok with killing them.  That’s like wanting a death row inmate to have a McDonald’s jungle gym for a cell.  You want them to be happy in prison, but still kill them. 

-I want to buy a hun cal froyo machine for my place, to increase the chances girls come back with me at the end of the night.

-The most offensive present is a gift card.  It says I didn't want to go the trouble of actually thinking about what you like and finding you a gift, but I don’t want you to think I don’t care and give you money, which you could use anywhere.  Gift cards are the gifts from the self-conscious lazy individual, who as a result, will never achieve their dreams.

-If you want to lose friends, ask them to explain why they really like things.  Just try it.

-I want to start an Instagram account that only has pictures of other people taking Instagram photos. 

-The United States is a very diverse country now.  How do racist groups rank the people they hate?  Is there some kind of racial totem pole of most hated groups?  Is there a conference where racists groups get together, sitting around a grand table discussing which race deserves to be hated the most, kind of like a justice league for racists?  Do they have a fantasy draft?  Is the Ku Klux Klan really excited to get the first pick and pick blacks?  Do they rub the fact they have the first pick in the face of the Neo-Nazis?  What does a trash talk thread on the league message board look like?  What do trades look like?  Will an anti-immigrant group trade Jews to the Neo-Nazis for Mexicans?  And is the group that gets Mexicans happy or upset that a lot of Mexicans have returned to Mexico with the 2008 recession?  It’s a paradox, they want less Mexicans in the US, but their fantasy team suffers because there are less Mexicans in the US.  I wonder if hate for these groups becomes like a job?  Do they ever just get tired of the routine, the day in day out of hate?  Like…….oh……..another rally.

-Technology is taking over the world.  Your phone knows more about you and your habits than your mother.  You’re almost never without your phone, it even wakes you up in the morning.  We should embrace the positive aspects of technology takeover, of living in a world surrounded by electronics.  We can finally realize our collective dream of having a sound track to everyday life, at least crucial events in the course of life.  Which will make life much more like a movie.  Like if the police are carting away a pedophile, cell phones in the surrounding area can play Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal’ as he is being carried away in cuffs.

-I wouldn't mind being haunted by a ghost, as long as the ghost was a hot girl.   It really wouldn't be that different than girls in real life.  Like as the hotness of a girl increases, the longer I will listen to her talk about her original version of a sex and the city blog.  As the hotness of the ghost increase, the more haunting I will put up with.  How much terror would you put up with?  Perhaps Hollywood will answer that question in the form of a hilarious romantic comedy about a hot ghost and a single lonely guy, played by Ryan Reynolds.

-Would your masseuse recognize you in a coffee shop with your clothes on?

-People who work two jobs are not successful.

-Can you call it hooking down if the other person is ugly?

-Barometer if I will like a person.  If they use the world ‘awesome’ three times or more in a ten minute time span, I don’t like that person.  They probably also high five still, and at stereotypical movie moments too.