Random Comedy Thoughts 2

Random Comedy Thoughts 2

-I saw a sign in a sporting goods store that said, ‘when women run, women win.’  That’s only partially true, men win too.

-I will not date someone who when asked the question, ‘What would you wish for?’ responds, ‘A million dollars!’  Why only a million dollars?  You’ve never heard of a billionaire?  Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Oprah?  A hypothetical genie in a bottle scenario is hardly a time to be humble.

-One direction is proof that humans don’t learn from their mistakes.

-The arbiters of our morality are the autocorrect functions on our phones.  My phone text messaging autocorrect will not recognize the word masturbation.  My phone is either looking out for me or judging me. 

-Every wedding has a unique #.    I would make my wedding # really weird and awkward for my guests, like #wearebetterthanyou or #statisticallythismarriagewillendindivorce or simply #peniswedding or #thecostofthisweddingcouldhavesaved500starvingafricanchildren. 

-Those who are stereotyped the most are ghosts.  There are all kinds of people, it stands to reason there would be all kinds of ghosts.  But all ghosts are overwhelming seen as scary.  Maybe there are ghosts whose goal isn’t to be scary and in fact are making weak attempts at social critique.   Like hipster ghosts that haunt you ironically.

-You can tell a lot about the story someone is going to tell by taking the opposite of how they set up their story.  Like when someone says, ‘long story short,’ it’s never a short story.  Or ‘between you and I,’ you’re never the only person they’ve told and are going to tell.

-I hate when people ask, ‘What do you do?’  It’s like they are asking me to stereotype myself. 

-The world’s largest drug dealer is Starbucks.  Selling crack to college kids and non-morning people.

-If aliens are like the way people on earth refer to them, then aliens are dicks.  Yesterday I heard someone say, ‘That’s crazy, what an awful thing to do, well he’s obviously from another planet.’  Why do we automatically assume dickish behavior is indicative of being from another planet?  We’ve stereotyped the whole rest of the universe.  I wonder what Neil deGrasse Tyson thinks?

-Illegal immigrants in the United States are often referred to as aliens.  They also get a lot of negative press coverage, which often refers to an invasion.  I would like to see a shot for shot remake of Mars Attacks!, but only replacing the Martians with illegal Mexican immigrants.  It would probably be profitable.